


The Snake Plant

by AppleSeeds



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Crowley.exe has stopped working, Dialogue-Only, Flustered Crowley (Good Omens), M/M, Meet-Cute, Plants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:28:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27823012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleSeeds/pseuds/AppleSeeds
Summary: Aziraphale has bought a snake plant for his bookshop, but it doesn't seem to be doing very well. He contacts customer service at the shop he bought it from, and ends up speaking to Crowley, who tries to help him save it.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 176
Collections: Good Omens Human AUs





	The Snake Plant

**Author's Note:**

> I've always fancied the challenge of writing a dialogue-only story, so here goes! Hope you enjoy it! :-)

[H&G Crowley]: Hello my name is Crowley how can I help?

[A. Z. Fell]: Are you a real person?

[H&G Crowley]: Of course I’m a real person. What can I do for you today?

[A. Z. Fell]: Oh good. I think I’ve been interacting with a computer for the past ten minutes.

[H&G Crowley]: We use AI to help direct our customers to the right person. You wanted to speak to someone about a plant you bought from us?

[A. Z. Fell]: Yes please. I bought a plant for my bookshop and I think it’s dying. I’ve only had it for two weeks.

[H&G Crowley]: What kind of plant is it?

[A. Z. Fell]: A snake plant. It says Sansieviera on the label.

[H&G Crowley]: Sansievieras are notoriously hard to kill, I’m sure it’ll be fine. What appears to be the problem?

[A. Z. Fell]: The leaves were very firm and lovely when I bought it but they don’t appear to be in very good condition now.

[H&G Crowley]: Can you be more specific?

[A. Z. Fell]: They’ve taken on a rather yellow colour, and some of them are wilting terribly. I’ve also noticed some brown spots on them.

[H&G Crowley]: How often have you been watering it?

[A. Z. Fell]: I hope you don’t mean to suggest that I might not have been caring for the poor thing! I’ve watered it every day without fail.

[H&G Crowley]: You what?

[A. Z. Fell]: I’m sorry, is there a problem?

[H&G Crowley]: Did you read anything about Sansievieras before you bought it?

[A. Z. Fell]: No, I just saw it and thought it would look very nice in my bookshop. I do like snakes.

[H&G Crowley]: I think we need to actually talk. Would you be happy to give me your phone number?

[A. Z. Fell]: If you think that would be best, all right. It’s 020 513816.

[H&G Crowley]: Great, thanks. I’ll give you a call now.

[A. Z. Fell]: Thank you, that’s very kind of you.

“Hello.”

“Hi, this is Crowley from Home and Garden.”

“Hello Crowley, my name is Aziraphale. Am I to infer that I have done something wrong in my care of this plant?”

“Sansievieras are _succulents_ , you’re not supposed to water them every day!”

“Oh, I see. How often should I be watering it?”

“You said you’d had it for two weeks, right? Well, you should _maybe_ have watered it once.”

“Oh. Oh dear.”

“Have you been feeding it?”

“Yes.”

“I’m going to regret asking, but...”

“I’ve been feeding it every day too.”

“Nggghhh.”

“I take it that was also the wrong thing to do?”

“Once a month would be plenty.”

“I see. So do you think I’ve killed it?”

“Honestly, that’s possible.”

“Oh no. Oh dear, I feel just terrible.”

“Don’t give up just yet, we might be able to save it. First thing you’re going to need to do is get rid of all the wet soil. Do you want to work on it now while we talk? You can put me on speakerphone.”

“Ah... I’m afraid that won’t be possible. My telephone doesn’t have that capability.”

“I know you gave me a landline number but just because it’s a landline it should still...”

“It’s a rotary phone.”

“You’re kidding?”

“I am quite serious. It still works perfectly well so why would I feel the need to replace it?”

“So you could get something with improved functionality?”

“This one makes and receives telephone calls, what else could I possibly need?”

“ _Speakerphone_. For things like this.”

“I’m sure I can manage. So, you want me to take all of the soil out of the pot?”

“Yeah. Do you have any spare potting soil?”

“Actually no.”

“Nhhhhhh _Satan give me strength_. All right. Here’s what you’re going to do. Go and get some potting soil. Take the plant out of the pot and shake as much of the soil off as you possibly can, and then re-pot it with the dry soil. Have a look at the roots before you go out, if they look like they’ve got root rot you’ll need to buy some fungicide too. I’ll call you back in an hour, will that give you enough time?”

“Well yes, I should think so, but you needn’t go to the trouble. Perhaps I could call you once I’ve finished? Do you have a customer service telephone number? I’m afraid I couldn’t find one earlier, that’s why I ended up having a rather frustrating conversation with a computer.”

“We have a number, yes, but it doesn’t accept calls from rotary phones.”

“Well now that’s quite preposterous, I’m sure there’s no way that...”

“It’s a joke. Speak to you in an hour?”

“Yes, all right. Thank you, Crowley.”

“Yeah, sure. Bye.”

“Good afternoon, A. Z. Fell & Co., Aziraphale speaking, how many I help you?”

“It’s Crowley. About the plant.”

“Ah, Crowley! Thank you so much for calling back!”

“Nhh. Yeah. Did you do it?”

“I did. The soil was quite damp.”

“ _Damp_? You said you’ve been watering the poor thing every day!”

“Yes, quite right, it was more like a bog in there, I’m afraid.”

“Yeah, I can imagine. Perhaps you should start a bog garden, those can be lovely too, you know.”

“I’m not sure that would quite align with the ambience of my bookshop.”

“The _ambience_ of your...”

“And besides, there will be no need for that because you’re going to teach me how to look after this snake plant properly, aren’t you?”

“I feel duty-bound to do so, yes. Were there any signs of root rot?”

“Well, the roots just looked rather like roots to me. They seemed all right. I think. I don’t have a lot of experience with plants, I’m afraid.”

“I’d have offered to have a look for you but I’m going to assume that rotary phone of yours doesn’t have video chat capabilities?”

“You’re joking again, aren’t you?”

“What gave it away? Anyway, don’t worry, it should have been obvious if the plant had root rot, so let’s assume you caught it in time.”

“Oh, that’s a relief! Thank you, Crowley! I do feel terrible about this.”

“Right, now make sure you put it somewhere warm and sunny, water it every two weeks or so, maybe leave it another week this first time actually, and only feed it once a month, ok?”

“Yes, I can do that. I’ll mark it on my calendar.”

“Let me guess, an actual paper calendar hanging up on the wall?”

“Where else would it be?”

“Absolutely. Well, it’s been lovely talking to you, Aziraphale. Thank you for contacting Home and Garden and for shopping with us and all that. Take care.”

“Oh, of course, I must let you get on. Thank you again, I really am very grateful.”

“Goodbye, Aziraphale.”

“Goodbye, Crowley.”

* * *

“Can I help you?”

“I was just admiring your plant. Oh... hi. _Hi_. Are you... Aziraphale? The owner?”

“That’s right.”

“Ok. Right. Yeah. Ok. Hi.”

“Hello. Are you all right, my dear? Oh I am sorry, I should leave you to browse in peace, shouldn’t I? Do let me know if there’s anything I can help you with.”

“Crowley.”

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“My name... I... I’m Crowley. Crowley from Home and Garden? We spoke about your... _this_... snake plant? At least, I assume it’s the same one? Unless you killed it and just bought another.”

“Oh, Crowley! Fancy seeing you here! What a small world!”

“Right.”

“It’s lovely to properly meet you! I must thank you so much for all your advice, it really was very generous of you to offer to speak to me on the telephone.”

“Nghhh. Yeah. S’no problem. Plant looks good. Really good. Healthy. You must be taking good care of it.”

“Oh really? Thank you! I must admit, it’s been bothering me. Might I offer you a cup of tea?”

“What?”

“Tea, my dear? Oh... I’m sorry, never mind, please do forgive me. So what brings you to my little shop? Were you looking for something in particular?”

“Ngk. Erm. Well, the plant, actually. Sorry, I was curious. I wanted to see if it made it.”

“Ah. I’m sorry, I should have called to let you know.”

“ _What_? No, that’s... of course not. I’m just being... I was just... curious.”

“So you said. Are you sure I can’t get you some tea? Oh, and I’ve been baking some angel food cake, perhaps you’d like some? Consider it a token of my gratitude for all your advice. Unless you have somewhere else you need to be? I don’t mean to keep you.”

“I... erm... no, no, nowhere else to be. Sure. That sounds great.”

“Oh, splendid! Let me just turn the sign around.”

“You don’t need to do that; I wouldn’t want to cost you any sales.”

“Oh no, that would be _tragic_ , wouldn’t it?”

“I... suppose? Not?”

“Right, all done, have a seat in my backroom, I’ll bring your tea and cake through for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Here you are.”

“Brilliant, thanks. So, I’ve noticed you actually have _two_ rotary phones?”

“Well yes, in case I need to make a call while I’m in the... what? What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. It’s just... have you heard of _mobile_ phones? Clue’s in the name. Then you’d only need one and you could use it wherever you like. Hell, even a cordless landline would do the trick.”

“I don’t need another phone. As you have pointed out, I have two perfectly serviceable telephones already.”

“You certainly do... I’m sorry, I’m only teasing.”

“I know. I don’t mind at all. I rather like it.”

“Nghhh.”

“It really is wonderful to properly meet you. You were very kind to me on the telephone, and you are even lovelier in person.”

“I’m not _lovely_.”

“Of course you are. How is your cake?”

“Really good. Delicious. Thanks.”

“You are most welcome. Do sit back and relax, my dear. How about I put on a little music?”

“Erm... ok. Wait... is that a... _no_. No way. Unbelievable.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I said you’re unbelievable.”

“Oh, thank you! I must say you seem very special yourself.”

“I’m not spe--”

“Do you have plans for this evening?”

“Do I... have... erm... no?”

“Splendid. Perhaps you’d grant me the privilege of buying you dinner?”

“I... ngh...”

“I’m sorry, am I being too forward?”

“No! No! I mean, _yes_. I mean... no. No you’re not being too forward. Yes I’d... I’d like to have dinner with you.”

“Wonderful! I know a perfect little sushi restaurant, how does that sound?”

“Sushi’s fine.”

“Oh good! Now, why don’t you tell me how you got interested in plants?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! <3 And my thanks to KissMyAsthma for sharing her houseplant knowledge! :-)
> 
> And yes, I looked up the number actually written on Aziraphale's phone in the series for accuracy. ;-)


End file.
